I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
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Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I know
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
i think both sides are to blame here
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see