So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
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Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Me redecorating every room in my mind
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom