So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
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People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that