So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
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[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”