Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name