Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Twitter is the new flypaper.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral