So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
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This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.