So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
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[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Self-cleaning conscience
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder