So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.