So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

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Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?


*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*


Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess


Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.


A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.


cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here


I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news


One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.


Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party


Twilight drinking game rules:

1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.