So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
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Every haunted house movie:
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*