@FForEffort1

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

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@TweetPotato314

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

@Dad_At_Law

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

@KKBowls

Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess

@frankzulla

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

@copymama

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

@decentbirthday

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

@InternetHippo

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

@Cheeseboy22

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

@mcwm

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

@chickenmclovin

Twilight drinking game rules:

1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.