@FForEffort1

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

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@DanMentos

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: it’s your turn to change the baby. he left you a little present haha

ME: *opens diaper* how the hell did he get an x box in there??

@ThisLocalHater

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

@jwoodham

“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”

@hilaryfairie

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

@Brampersandon_

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

@justmiche74

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

@alexlumaga

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

@sophielou

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun