NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
therapist: I see
WIFE: it’s your turn to change the baby. he left you a little present haha
ME: *opens diaper* how the hell did he get an x box in there??
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun