So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
You Might Also Like
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I wish I were this cool 😂
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.