So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.