Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁