@Andrea__B__

So I think we have pretty much covered what to do if life gives you lemons

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@pixelatedboat

I was the fastest gun in the West, I’d shoot you with a ham before you could even ask “What is that, some sort of ham cannon?”

@Carter_TCB

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

@ddsmidt

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

@mack44_d

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: I love this couch.

@TimmyPumpkin

*licks stamp*
hmmm tastes weird
*mails letter*
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn’t a stamp

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

@PleaseBeGneiss

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

@stephenjmolloy

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

@highwaytohelv

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

@4handfuls

Spending the weekend installing toothpaste-colored carpet since my 3 yr old insists on brushing his teeth while walking around the house…