*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
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I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Made something I’m not proud of
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Put a ring on it
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any