i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am