Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

That’s incredible! 👌

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.