So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Real House Wines.