Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

thanksgiving should be called feaster

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.