So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
You Might Also Like
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Interior designer.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
you also like cloning? well that makes two of us
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.