So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*offers Batman cough drops*
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.