Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.