So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
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Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.