So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
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Last-minute gift idea!
my nickname in college
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.