So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
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My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.