So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
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The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.