So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
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I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!