So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
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If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
#parenting
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.