So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.