“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
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SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.