So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
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Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Happy Febuary everyone!
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.