Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

Peter Parker Peter Driver

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.