So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Pringles
Sunday
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.