So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth![]()
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”![]()
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral