So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
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JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.