Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

BETRAYAL

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR