So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
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CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable