So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
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Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
knights of the ikea table
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
🤣dope
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
hmm conte-me mais
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.