So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
You Might Also Like
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Previously On Persistence 😎
Many hands make light work
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.