@El_nacho_Nigre

So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?

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@Unathi_

That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh

@XplodingUnicorn

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

@TheTobbie

Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle…

@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

@onion_an

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

@RegularFred

Vin Diesel is Latin for “the guy we get when The Rock won’t do it”

@rockymomax

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

@shesananteater

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.