Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.