That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh
So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?
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Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle…
Hey girl, how ’bout some head?
– Henry VIII
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Vin Diesel is Latin for “the guy we get when The Rock won’t do it”
My family tree is a Cactus……..
Full of pricks !
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe
[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.