Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh