Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

Travel bloggers during quarantine

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.