Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

*struts into the new year
~ trips

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*