So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
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A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.