Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath