So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
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[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”![]()
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)