Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?