So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
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“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
live, laugh, laundry.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.