Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.