Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

just left a huge legacy in there

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied