@Ameiam

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

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@wittwitbarista

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

@KimmyMonte

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

@impaulmccoy

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

@Dishy2101

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

@1CleverGirl1

Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.
Me:……………..

@good_one_rick

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

@farouq_yahaya

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

@AudreyPorne

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.