@Ameiam

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

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@QwertyJones3

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

@augustusglooopp

Everyone type it with me:

A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.

Good. Tomorrow: Irregardless.

@Mom_Overboard

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

@BCMontgo

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

@FredTaming

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

@ThisOneSayz

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

@linkindrinkin

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

@Cheeseboy22

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

@OakHill_

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

@trojansauce

[dogs around campfire]

*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time