So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
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Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
dads on road-trips be like
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.