Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*