Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable