So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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I remember when yoga was called Twister.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Self-cleaning conscience
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
couldn’t resist
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry