So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
That time Alicia messaged me
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day