So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
problems i need
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
pep talk
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.