So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.