so i’m at the stock market right
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My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Talk about a bad egg
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Bless you
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I ain’t wearing no wire
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely