so i’m at the stock market right
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M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.