so i’m at the stock market right
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*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
so this horse walks into a bar
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses