so i’m at the stock market right
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
the pigeons are already plenty salty
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.