Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats