So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?