So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁


“I’m pretty good at not taking things personally,” she lied, after 4 hours of analyzing why he asked if she was having a bad day.


HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia


We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means


I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house


Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.


If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.


2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.


Staying at a hotel tonight which means I get to play everyone’s favorite game: Are you smarter than a new shower?


Do you get extra points for killing two birds with another bird?