@WilliamRodgers

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

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@jonnysun

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

@toomanycommas3

“I’m pretty good at not taking things personally,” she lied, after 4 hours of analyzing why he asked if she was having a bad day.

@AssOnHat

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

@lmegordon

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

@dfaber84

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

@roxyisrad

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

@CrockettForReal

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

@SequelsWeWant

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

@Sam_Alan33

Staying at a hotel tonight which means I get to play everyone’s favorite game: Are you smarter than a new shower?

@Half_Mex75

Do you get extra points for killing two birds with another bird?