so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Thursday Thought.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
