so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
“Huge”.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
