Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

Trying

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

due date

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.