Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.