So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
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8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
estão todos miauvindo?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I love this❤️😁👍
